Carpe Diem

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We are truly who we are
when we let ourselves feel how we feel
when we feel it

Do you ever feel that crushing sadness that hurts so badly it feels like all your bones are breaking at once….but they haven’t quite cracked yet. It’s the moment right before everything snaps, that excruciatingly painful time when you feel all the pressure of your life’s pains at once…but instead of it being just an instant, a fleeting moment in time before all the rain comes pouring down, it’s prolonged…and it’s painful to breathe because nothing seems to relieve that pressure. And you feel it.

Every

second

of 

the day. 

Relentlessly ripping your insides to shreds as your memories play in your head like a bad film reel…just repeating and repeating until you can’t take it anymore

so you sleep. 

And you can sleep it off, sure — but waking up in the morning with that crushing sadness is

hard. Really fucking hard. 

I mean, hard to the point where it’s a struggle to get out of bed on the right side. 

When it feels like it’s raining in your head, and your heart is so damn heavy from all that water. 

Do you ever feel like that? 

Yea, neither do I



On Society and social structure:

It’s changing me..I can feel it. At first I rejected it, which is common when people first experience change. But then I stopped fighting it and let it sink in. And I began to see that it’s ok for people live differently from how I’ve lived. And it’s okay to have different values and ideals about how a society should run. And finally, I saw the beauty in this society and how it cares for all its members. It’s really enchanting when you let it sink in.



The feeling of emptiness, ever draining to the soul

never leaves me. 



There is nothing I can say or do to fix this 

I never showed it enough

I never acted like I cared

I did though….care. A lot. 

Why would you believe me though, after everything

I needed a reality check. No one ever kept me in line

and I just wish you did sooner

because now it’s too late

you’ve sealed what’s good for you 

And I don’t blame you 

I just wish that sooner

you would have told me

how you felt

about how I acted

so I could have realized how

selfish I am

emotionally 

how draining I am

of kindness

I needed to wake up.

unfortunately, I woke up in a shark tank 

so this is my punishment 

love



I remember the time you tried to teach me how to play the guitar. My fingers were so clumsy and I couldn’t stop laughing
I got so fixated on it…I was so frustrated that I couldn’t just get it.
And you told me that in time I would get it. It just takes practice and patience.

I’m wondering why those two things don’t apply to anything else now



Sometimes I think that if I can just capture
The right moment
With the right words
Then maybe
I’ll be okay
Because I’ll say everything that needs
To be said
That could possibly
Make it okay

But that’s just not
The truth
And no matter how many times
I replay it in my head
And no matter how many times
I try and make sense of everything
That happened
I can’t.

I can’t explain why
I can’t explain how

Or maybe
I can

But I just don’t want to
Because you wouldn’t like it
And to be honest
I don’t like it

It’s starting to fade anyway
The pain
That takes my breath away
And makes my stomach swirl
And prickles my skin like needles

Until I see you
Then it all comes rushing back
Like the feeling you get when you’ve been
Laying down
And you stand up
Too fast
And all the blood rushes
In the wrong place
And you collapse
Involuntarily
Desperate for breath and gravity
Yet both seem to be escaping you

Snap back.
It’s just me
In this chair
With my cup of tea
Wishfully thinking
That the text in my inbox
Was from you
And the smiles on my face today
Were from you
And my thoughts about you
We’re reciprocated by your thoughts about me

But that’s the funny thing about
Sitting in this chair
Listening to my roommate on the phone
With her boyfriend
I’m just here
With nothing
But
My tea